31 May 2026

I have to say that this has been the worst week of my two-and-a-half years in Spain. And for the first time, I have asked myself if this is the country for me. I still believe it is. But that I have asked myself that question for the first time, tells you how traumatizing this week has been. I know I can’t extrapolate from a few bad actors to think that represents the whole country.

The week ended on a strong upbeat. So, don’t despair. I’m not. I’m doing okay. And I’m grateful for the friends I have here and around the world.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the angry outbursts and humiliation I have been suffering from my choir director. Whenever I asked other choir members about how this could be addressed, I heard explicitly and implicitly, “there is nothing that can be done.”

Of course, I don’t believe that. So, lacking further guidance, I contacted the university Office of Diversity and Inclusion. My mistake was two-fold: asking in the first place, and including in the question, if his outbursts might be homophobic or xenophobic.

Here’s what transpired. And warning. This is a long rant. I only share so many details to demonstrate how ludicrous the situation became.

As a result of my email to the Office of Diversity and Inclusion, I was invited to sit down with the director of that office. We did so on Monday, 18 of May. She warmly welcomed me, made me feel comfortable and agreed that his actions were not appropriate. I asked her if I should talk to the choir director directly, or if I should talk to the board president, or something else. She suggested that she call the board president and schedule a meeting with the three of us (director of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion, Choir Board President, and me). I asked, if this is all confidential and if it would be just the three of us. I do not trust the Choir Director to react appropriately. She confirmed yes to both.

A week later, I received an email inviting me to a meeting on Wednesday (27 May) at 10 a.m., with a sharply different tone. She said this is the only time this meeting would be scheduled and that if I failed to attend, my concerns would be dismissed. She said that there had never been a complaint filed against him and that in addition to the three of us, the Choir Director, himself would also be there.

She emphasized that this man has a stellar reputation and no one had ever filed a complaint before. Hmmmm. Odd. I know of so many others who have had similar experiences. So, I thought it wise to bolster my case. I invited my friend Tatiana (a 21 year old student and fellow choir member) to act as my translator to insure that the conversation was fully understood from both directions and also to share her observations of his actions. She graciously agreed.

I also contacted two former choir members who left because of his bullying. One sent me a voicemail to be played during the meeting. The other, not currently living in Valencia, offered to travel by train across Spain to talk to the Office of Diversity and Inclusion to add her voice to this complaint.

I knew by the tone of the email that they would be attacking me. I didn’t know how extreme the gaslighting attempts would be.

Tatiana and I arrived on time. In true Spanish fashion, the President and Director of the choir, arrived late. We all sat down at the table.

The Director of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (DODI going forward) opened the conversation by explaining that because I had asked if his actions were homophobic or xenophobic, that was tantamount to accusing him of such actions and could only be dealt with in a legal manner. She said, she was forced to alert him to the accusation and invite him to confront his accuser. She was scolding in her tone and very demeaning. I just listened, acknowledged and waited. This went on for more than 30 minutes. It was repetitive, condescending and insulting.

When I was finally invited to respond, I thanked her for letting me know how the process works in Spain and emphasized that I had not intended to accuse him of anything, only to ask why am I feeling attacked by this man and what recourses do I have….which led to more repetition of the same information.

When I asked her why she had told me one thing and then did exactly what I had hoped she would not do, she said the law required her to do so. She never answered why she did not explain that to me in our first meeting and why she had suggested doing something in our first meeting, that by her new definition of the legal process now, would have been out of order. She only talked in circles about doing what she was required to do.

She repeatedly interrupted me, dismissed my comments and ignored my questions.

Then, I said that because in her email and in her comments that morning, she had emphasized that there had been no other complaints raised against his actions, I asked Tatiana to share her experience as a choir member. She briefly stated that she had often seen him yelling at choir members and humiliating them, resulting in some members of the choir to leave.

At this point, the Choir Director (CD), started yelling at her. The poor, young girl looked terrified. He was completely becoming unglued. DODI had to escort him out of the office to calm him down.

Both Tatiana and I said to the President of the Choir (PC), doesn’t what we just witnessed confirm this problem? She just responded that everyone has bad days. Seriously. That’s what she said.

When the other two reentered the meeting, I asked if I could share a voicemail of another choir member who wished she could attend the meeting. As soon as she identified herself, and her dates of participating in the choir, I was interrupted and told that they would not listen to her comments. Because she is no longer a current member of they choir, they could not deal with her concerns and were only there to address my concerns.

Incredulously, I asked if I could share the name of another choir member who wished she could be there and would like to go on the record as validating my concerns. No. She’s not a current member and therefore her experience is not relevant.

At this point, acknowledging that I was not accusing him of homophobia or xenophobia, DODI said that this is an internal choir matter and that there is nothing more she could do.

I turned my attention to President of the Choir (PC) and asked, do you really think his outbursts are acceptable to the board and the choir? She only repeated that “everyone has bad days.”

At some point in all of this, I was reprimanded for not following the proper path of raising these kind of concerns. I said, “What is the proper path?” That is what I have been asking!

“Well, everyone knows!” I said, “I’m sorry but I don’t. I have asked other choir members, I have asked DODI, I don’t know!”

I was told that I should confront him first and if I did not receive a satisfactory response, I should talk to the PC. Or, I could send an email to each board member at the choir email address. I said, “What email address?” I haven’t seen an email since I joined the choir. They looked at me like I was crazy. (All of our communication is via a WhatsApp group.) They said, what email did you use when you inquired about auditioning? I know I looked shocked. I remembered the email address, but I said, “No one has used that email since I joined the choir. I didn’t know it even still existed!”

CD mocked me for suddenly “realizing” that I did know that email address. So, I turned to Tatiana and asked, did she know that email address or any of these “proper procedures?” She confirmed that she did not. And so I said, “Clearly, you have two current choir members who are not aware of these procedures. So ‘everyone’ doesn’t know them.”

They continued to scold me for not following the procedures until they had nothing left to say.

Finally, after more than two hours, DODI started to wrap up the meeting but first required me to apologize for “accusing” CD of homophobia and xenophobia. I did so, looking directly at him with sincerity. He just looked smug and vindicated.

We were told the matter was closed.

We left. Tatiana and I just marveled at the insanity of it all.

I do not understand why this guy is so well protected. I only know that given all that has transpired and knowing how dysfunctional this group is, I cannot continue with them.

I have to resign from the choir. I won’t stay in an abusive situation. I’ll begin looking for something new to help me connect to this otherwise amazing city.

On a much lighter note, my friend Francesco and I went to a concert on Saturday night with Pablo Alboran, one of my favorite Spanish artists.

This concert reaffirmed why I love Spain. The love that filled that arena was palpable. Most of the audience knew and sang every word to every song. This was distracting at first, but it quickly became a public display of affection … and community.

This incredibly talented man, loved on the audience and they loved on him.

He dedicated one song to the people who work on the seventh floor of a local hospital, saying that the city had changed his life. He had been a patient at Hospital La Fe and received a bone marrow transplant, Planta 7. As he ended the song, the screen showed the words, “Donate Bone Marrow.”

When a young man about 15 feet away from us got down on one knee to propose to his girlfriend, Pablo stopped the concert to congratulate them. Later, when someone in front of us fainted, he stopped the concert to ensure they were okay. I’m told other artists do that. But I’d never seen it done before.

I left that concert, exhausted from the week, energized by the love and community I’d just been a part of, and grateful for so many of my blessings.

On Sunday, Francesco and I went to the beach. We came home and met my British friend David for an incredible Italian dinner. I’m hoping to finally meet his girlfriend this coming week. He thinks she and Francesco will be instant Besties.

Well, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted after this week. Here’s hoping you feel energized and surrounded by love.